To Love and To Be Loved
by KazeYami
Summary: Yaoi. Ritsuka and Soubi have been happily together for over a year. However, the weight of their destiny is coming crashing down upon them. Will they ever get back together? Only the fates know. Currently Under Heavy Editting
1. Darling Buds of May

**Darling Buds of May**

_'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,  
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.  
__So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.'_

-Sonnet #18  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 13 -

Flowers were blooming everywhere I looked. The neighbor's garden was flourishing and all the parks were a bright and vibrant green. I really liked to go there, to the park, when it was so nice out. There are happy little kids everywhere and smiling parents and, though it makes me a little melancholy to see people so happy, it also kind of gives me hope. Maybe, one day, I can be just as happy as they are. They certainly pulled it off fairly well.

A wind rippled through the little glade that I had situated myself in and I looked up to see a gorgeous and out-of-place blond smiling down at me. Agatsuma Soubi. He was my Warcraft. The other part of my soul. Or, at least, that's what I told myself. However, the name etched eternally into the skin just above Soubi's collarbone and just beneath his bandages said otherwise. It said that our love would not (could not) last for long. I had to believe that was a lie.

"Good afternoon, Ritsuka," Soubi said, plopping himself down beside me, happy enough. Smiling at me in the off-hand pleasant way he often did, he asked me, "What are you reading?"

"This?" I asked in reply, holding up the ragged book in my hands. I knew what it was, but for no particular reason, I looked down and examined the book. More than the contents, I really enjoyed the book's appearance. It was half the reason I had chosen it over the different publications of the same document. It was leather and the edges were ripped from rough handling. There was ornate gold leafing along the edges. There was nothing on the front and back of the book, however, on the neck were the faded, nearly illegible letters, spelling out, SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS. "Shakespeare," I finally said, looking back up at Soubi, who smiled again and gently took the book from me.

"I didn't know you were interested in such high level reading! Did you found your favorite, yet?" he asked, flipping through the pages and stopping at one that I had already dog-eared. It was sonnet #18, the famous one. I thought that it was really pretty, compared to all the sad and lonesome ones throughout the book. I had found that his style and somewhat dark and sarcastic descriptions of love truly suited me, but that one I liked the best. Perhaps, just for how different it was from all the others. "Ah," Soubi sighed, finishing the poem himself. "How pretty. I like it, too. It's very beautiful," he said, handing it back to me with the same care that he had taken it.

"Yeah..." I said, blushing a bit.

"It's getting late. Want me to walk you home?" he asked, pushing himself up with a little grunt and looking down at me, his long blond hair framing his face and making me think of the man in the sonnet.

"Sure," I said, simply. I think that I smiled the whole way home.

I don't really know how to describe a kiss. In my extremely young life, I haven't experienced much like it. Not only that, they boggle the mind in all the different tastes and textures they can come in. For example, the kiss that Soubi first gave me that night, by my window was pleasant and sweet. It reminded me of when I ate my first White Chocolate Lindon Truffle. It immediately became my favorite sweet. Soubi's kiss was similar, such a smooth and sweet, sweet, sweet taste.

However, Soubi surprised me. Somehow, he was able to turn our Lindon Truffle kiss into a block of bitter chocolate (my second favorite treat). It was dry and hard and yet, much more satisfying and long lasting. It's something that fills the stomach more and leaves a concentrated touch of lust. It was so delicious that I slipped my tongue inside for more. I heard or, perhaps more accurately, felt Soubi gasp a little, before devouring my tongue like a rabbit lost in a wolf's forest.

I really could not help it! I squeaked and he laughed and devoured me even further. This kiss always made me think of my favorite dish! The one that Soubi had made for me almost a year ago. It tasted just like authentic Italian Lasagna. It was hot and passionate and, though it felt as if it filled you to the brim, it always left you yearning for more... More.

I really didn't know what that more truly was, but my heart told me that it definitely wanted more. It wanted more. My fingernails dug into Soubi's shirt sleeve and tears gathered on the fringes of my eyelashes. I wanted Soubi to make me feel more, to move my heart further, to bring me back to a life I never had. And, yet ... I was scared. Something deep within me told me that, if I allowed him to go so deep, to delve deep into my soul, he would recoil. Because, we don't hold the same name. Because, fate says that we were never meant to be. Because ... one day all of this will end.

"Ritsuka!" Soubi exclaimed gently, wiping away the stray tear. The one that got away from me. I never cried, but as that imminent feeling of the end came closer, I had been crying more and more. I usually tried to hide it from him. I would take a convenient bathroom break or get a piece of dirt in my eye, but I don't know if it really fooled him. The concern in his voice was always the same.

"Ritsuka, please tell what's wrong!" he begged, this time with more force than usual. Could he feel it, too? We hadn't gone all the way. I knew somewhere, deep in my mind, that when we finally consummated everything, that would be the definite end, but we hadn't done that. Soubi hadn't even hinted at wanting that, yet. So, why did I feel that everything between us was already done?

"Soubi? Do you think...?" I began, not sure how to articulate what I was feeling or what was I going on in my heart. "Soubi, I feel like everything is coming to an end..." I said, after a long pause.

He just looked at me. I mean, he looked at me for a really long time. He didn't say anything, but his intense look explained to me how deeply this had affected him. I felt that I never should have said it, but also knew the futility of taking it back now.

"Ritsuka," Soubi whispered my name again and just like all the other times, a pleasant ache began in my heart, despite the conversation. "I won't ... I won't ever let that happen. I won't let this end. I promise.

Despite Soubi's promises and the fact that he was my lover, I didn't believe him. Or, rather, I didn't trust him to keep his promise. I had always fought destiny as if there was no other option than to do so. However, I kept feeling like I was cornered. Like, there was some horrible event about to happen that no one, not even me and all of my determination, could prevent. I'll be the first one to tell you that premonitions are just a load of crap, but if this was premonition, then it was definitely right.

I fell asleep around nine thirty. It wasn't a very restful sleep. I remembered waking up multiple times, still expecting that shadow on the wall to reach out and grab me and steal me away from the world I had made for myself.

I was paranoid, but not without reason. At midnight, I heard someone walking in my room. I had reasoned that it was Soubi, come to check on me after my tearful episode, but my heart was screaming. No, this was someone else. I didn't open my eyes and I didn't see the form that I could feel standing over me and examining my 'sleeping' face. I didn't see him, but felt him, push some unobtrusive strands of hair out of my face and place a gentle soothing kiss on my brow. My heart skipped a beat and the constant ache disappeared for a moment as his lips met my face. Who was this man?

I opened my eyes and saw someone I did not recognize. It was a man with half moon glasses and pale skin and hair. He was deathly thin and moved with the elegance of a spirit. I actually thought that, perhaps, he was a ghost. The sorrowful look in his eyes certainly hinted at it. But, he was not dead and he was not sad, not by his account. In a liquid movement, he picked me up in his arms and locked eyes with me.

"My dear Loveless..." he sighed, still looking deep into my eyes. His voice reverberated through my head until it reached down my throat into my heart and squeezed and, God, did it ever squeeze hard. Tears immediately flooded my eyes for the second time that night and ran freely down my face. My chest heaved and I began to wail and sob pathetically. The man simply held me silently, rubbing small circles in my back.

I heard my mother outside my door screaming my name. I knew she couldn't get in. I locked the door, whenever I went to sleep. Especially after the last time she attacked me while I napped. I could hear Father's voice behind her, trying to talk her into going back to bed. Even if he cared, he wouldn't be able to save me either. The man was already out the window, me in his arms, on the porch roof and approaching the edge.

Clutching my eyes closed as he stepped off the side, I expected to hit the pavement hard. Instead, there was a small jerk and then we were moving again. This time, towards a black car parked down the street.

Between sobs, I choked out, "Where ... are we going?"

The man chuckled and then looked down at me, as if I was just a small child whom, in their ignorance, had said something cute and adorable. "Well, my dear, I am taking you home with me. After all, one with such a pretty face as yours deserves better treatment than that," he said, flipping his hair in the direction of my house, not slowing his pace the slightest to answer my question.

So, he knew about my mother? How was that? Did he get into my medical files? But, weren't those supposed to be classified? To this day, he won't tell me how he figured it out, though I can guess. At the time, it had unnerved me to no end. Who was this man who professed to know me so well and called me dear with his every breath? Though, and my mind wouldn't acknowledge this even if my heart did, what I was most worried about was why he moved so much like Soubi.

Just as he was settling me and my blanket into the passenger seat, I turned and asked him, "Who are you?"

He just chuckled at me again, more good-heartedly this time, though. "Of course, my name is the same as yours, my dearest. My name is Ritsu, but my other name is Loveless."

My eyes grew wide and everything going on in my brain (quite a bit, too) froze in that single moment. It was a lie. That was all I could think.

"I love you," he said, against my lips, just before he pressed them to mine, making my heart stop as well. The ache was gone again. There was no more pain and worries. This man, Ritsu, he made them all go away...

"Hic, huc, hic... Wah!" I wailed. Now, I was truly crying, as I don't remember ever crying before. I was almost just screaming my anguish. No. It was over. Me and Soubi. Our ephemeral love was gone. I was going off to live with one I would not love. It was the end. I wanted Ritsuka to come back and take this life he had abandoned. I certainly didn't want it. I didn't want it. I didn't want it at all.


	2. The Little LoveGod

**Little Love God**

_'The little Love-god lying once asleep  
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,  
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep  
Came tripping by, but in her maiden hand  
The fairest votary took up that fire,  
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed;  
And so the general of hot desire  
Was, sleeping, by a virgin hand disarmed.  
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,  
Which from Love's fire took heart perpetual,  
Growing a bath and healthful remedy  
For men diseased; but I, my mistress' thrall,  
Came there for cure, and this by that I prove:  
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.'_

- Sonnet #154  
By William Shakespeare.

- Loveless : Ritsu : 38 -

Not many hours had passed from when I brought Ritsuka to Angora before I had laid with him. He was a very cute little thing, this I had always known. But, lying on the bed I had laid out for him he had seemed infinitely beautiful.

It was as the Gods intended, I am sure. Ritsuka, too, seemed resigned to what fate had dealt him. He was saddened deeply, I am sure, by the thought of being forcefully removed from Soubi's love by fate's cruel hand. At the same time, I was deeply determined to show to him the beauty of what a relationship that was intended for him from birth could bring.

I tried my best to be kind as possible, as we were brought together somewhat roughly. But, Ritsuka was still young and it soon became obvious that Ritsuka had never made any move to completely subjugate Soubi, nor Soubi him. I went slower for this reason, pushed with less insistence, but Ritsuka was still left in a sore state afterwards, all the same.

I remained by him and treated him kindly and he soon began to warm to me and my attentions.

I explained to him, slowly and patiently, what our school was meant for and how I was acquainted with Soubi and Ritsuka's late older brother. He seemed to take it all in well, considering what he had just been through.

More than ever, after I had explained everything, I understood why the two of us were to be together. He was quiet, reserved, contained even after the deep stress of the evening. I respected his strength and commended his elegance in holding himself. A very good master of himself and, hopefully, for myself as well.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 14 -

My premonition might have been a bit off. I had expected that, when I slept with Soubi, it would tear us to pieces. Perhaps I should have been predicting that when I lost my ears all together, we would never have a chance of remaining with one another.

Ritsu was very pretentious, I do remember now, in insisting upon me right after we arrived at Angora. I, of course, was thinking along the lines of my being kidnapped like many young ladies are in horror movies these days and taken out into the middle of nowhere to be abused and raped. Ritsu only further concluded my beliefs by prevailing himself upon me.

He was kind, it was to be sure. At first I was terrified and kept my composure only because I did not want to give him the pleasure of hearing me scream and complain. But, after only a short time, that strange undefinable feeling came over me as we touched. It seemed that all other feeling in my breast were quelled, leaving a quiet nothingness. When he kissed my neck, I felt nothing. When he touched me, I trembled not. When he pressed deep within me, I remained cold and unmoved. It was unnerving.

I was reminded of how Soubi's lips felt on mine, on my face, on my neck, on my hand. My heart would beat and burn. I would catch fire.

Ritsu's touch was deeply akin to a quenching water, but was nothing compared to the fiery fervor of Soubi's kiss. I began to worry about whether I would ever feel that fire again. However, I resolved to quiet these feelings as well, at least for the moment.

As Ritsu began to talk to me afterwards, I came to understand that I was to never return to my house or my parents. Ritsu would arrange for all of my things to be brought to Angora and I would continue my education there, under his tutelage. A lie would be created for the sake of explaining my absence, probably of studying overseas. That way, other people could still keep in contact, if I so wished, but I could never reveal my location.

He calmly explained that, though it pained him to say so, Soubi would not likely be coming to see me or write to me. With what Soubi had done as a Warcraft (taking an impressionable Sacrifice from another respectable Warcraft), he would not be able to show his face at Angora without provoking great disruption of the peace.

It slowly came to dawn upon me how unlikely escape was. Stranded all the way in the middle of nowhere, physically displaced from all humanity, as well as mentally secluded amongst others of my own kind. At the same time, I realized that, aside from Soubi and my friends at school, I had little reason to run.

Ritsu was kind and quiet, a likely version of myself if I ever were to reach his age. As his sacrifice, I was assured a small seat of power at the school, not to mention I would no longer be submitted to the rigors of life at home or the mindless work at school. There would be no more long and useless mental and physical examinations at the hospital or worried calls from school to home.

It was an ideal position, except, as I mentioned before, I would be afforded no connection to Soubi and little communication with my friends.

I began to despair.

Ritsu's watery love, could not cool my desire for Soubi. Alas, it mattered not. I had not a clue as to what to do about it.


	3. Nothing Like Roses

**Nothing Like Roses**

_'My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;  
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;  
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;  
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.  
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,  
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;  
And in some perfumes is there more delight  
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.  
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know  
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.  
I grant I never saw a goddess go;  
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.  
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare  
As any she belied with false compare.'_

- Sonnet # 130  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Loveless: Ritsuka : 14 -  
((One Year Later – School For Fighters; Angora))

" 'My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun...' " I whispered, as Ritsu whipped about to bore into the back of my head with those eyes that could be as sharp as knives, if he so wished it. Slowly turning back to the poor terrified girl sitting in the lone chair before his huge mahogany desk, he asked her once more...

"Why do you refuse to work with Sakura-chan?" His voice was cold as titanium steel and just about as strong. No wonder that the cute kid was trembling in her worn out sneakers.

"I ... just don't like her! She's really mean!" the girl squeaked, still holding onto that last thread of dignity.

" 'Coral is far more red than her lips' red...' " I recited again, only pretending to read from my old worn copy of Shakespeare's sonnets. I had long ago memorized all of the more enjoyable poems within.

Ritsu made a point of ignoring my subtle view on the subject. According to him, I was just too young and ill-adjusted to this life of mine to really understand why such young children had to be forced together with one another.

"That is no excuse! Would you really alienate the one who is matched to you by the stars?" he asked, seemingly enraged, though I knew he was probably far more exasperated than irate. I had heard him make the same speech to the same kids over and over from my place on his leather upholstered couch.

"But!" the child tried to reason, tears now gathering in her eyes. "It's just ..."

Here it came. I had also heard this exclamation from a hundred children's mouths. Under my breath, I whispered, "I have seen roses damasked red and white..."

"I always saw myself with a boy sacrifice!" she cried, tears running down her face. It probably was not really that Sakura-chan was horribly mean. Hell, even I could take Ritsu's attitude most of the time. It was just that she had imagined herself with a knight and not a maiden.

"But no such roses see I in her cheeks," I said, quite loudly. Walking over to the girl, I crouched down in front of her and wiped her tears away with a handkerchief. "Yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare," I finished, smiling up at the bedazzled girl. "Do you understand?" I asked.

When she shook her head no, I said to her, "It means that, though your love is not what you wished it would be, it is still love and all love is precious. Don't you think so?" I smiled, brushing her frazzled hair out of her face. "Why don't you just try making peace with Sakura-chan? Don't think about loving her right now. That might come with time. Okay?" I asked.

Her face lit up with a smile. "Yeah! Ritsuka-kun!" she smiled, jumping off her chair when I made a dismissive gesture and making her escape through a crack in the huge double doors.

"Humph! I'm starting to think you're gunning for my job," Ritsu grumbled from behind his desk, playfully. He was already back to work, though I could tell he was still a little miffed. I had stolen his steam and his authority. He hated it, but he had to follow his own lessons and do what I said, most of the time. After all, I was his sacrifice. His master.

"You have to admit that that was much easier and hassle free than it normally would have been," I said, not really putting any effort behind it. Besides, he was not really angry, just miffed. If he was really angry, I would know, because I wouldn't have even been dignified with a response.

"Ritsu?" I questioned when he did not answer me. Oh, dear. When he did not answer to that, I could tell he was really going from irritated to angry. And, we all know, that is only a step away from enraged. For such an emotionless guy, he often tended towards the drama queen.

Throwing my dignity out the window, I came around to his side of the desk and plopped myself down on the plush carpet, resting one hand high on his thigh. He stopped typing, but he still would not look at me. Knowing that I was making headway, I scooted myself in under the desk and made myself comfortable right there between his legs. Finally, he paid me some attention.

Pushing his chair back, Ritsu looked down at me with an amused expression.

"And, just what do you think you're doing down there, dearest?" he asked.

When I smirked up at him, he reached down and grasped me under my arms, lifting me up onto his lap, kissing me passionately.

I could not really compare his kisses to Soubi's. Ritsu's kisses were much too different from Soubi's. Rather than making me think of food, Ritsu kisses made me think of far off places and moist wooded forests, where the peace of untouched nature seeps into your soul. I have never been able to explain why. I suppose that it is just different, depending on who you kiss.

He kissed me deep and he kissed me hard and that vague fear I had of his larger size and experience vanished in the blissful peace that always came with his kisses. Our names, our souls resonated with one another and all the pain and anxiousness disappeared, replaced by a painful numbness.

As for what was going on elsewhere, his roaming hands were practically trying to tear off my shirt, so I simply saved them the trouble, pulling the dark t-shirt up over my head.

"Ritsuka..." Ritsu sighed, going through his normal marveling. I supposed it was because he had not had any lovers since Soubi left, that he was always so horny, but that did not stop me from hating his libido.

While he was kissing and sucking my, well, just about everything, all over his desk, that stupid sonnet ran through my head. 'In some perfumes there is more pleasure than from the reek of my mistress' breath...' Ritsu smelled like onions today. Something he loved, but I hated. I always offered to make his lunches for him just so that I would not have to taste onions in his mouth almost daily. Still, he always refused. I believe just because he wanted to torture me with all of his bitter and nasty foods.

'I love to hear her speak...' ran the line, in perfect iambic pentameter, as I stared at a water mark on the plaster ceiling. 'Yet, well I know that music has a far more pleasing sound...'

"Ah!" all other thoughts were wiped from my mind, as his mouth enclosed on _that_. God, I never really got over that amazing feeling that just wiped out everything else that was going on in your mind. "Mmm, Ritsu..." I groaned, tossing my head, as his tongue explored all over. "Ah..."

"Ritsuka," Ritsu stated, reaching up to grasp the back of my head by my hair and forcing me to focus my gaze on his face. He wore such an intense look, it reminded me of the last night that I had seen Soubi. How long ago...?

"Ritsuka, I love you," Ritsu said firmly. "What do you feel for me, Ritsuka?" I could not really focus. What was he talking about?

"And, yet, I believe my love as rare as any she belied with false compare..." I whispered, vainly trying to avoid the subject.

"Ritsuka!" he shouted in my face, suddenly becoming angry and shaking me. I did not flinch, though. This was too important a subject for me to shrink from it in fear.

"I mean, that I think this love is as flawed as any I have ever seen, but it's also just as real." There. I had stated it. Quite plainly, I thought.

"Ritsuka..." his demeanor immediately switched and he was like all the other Romeos that have existed from the beginning of time. "You don't know... I mean, thank you," he said, trying to regain his composure.

"I don't ... enjoy this love. In fact, I hate it, but it's there, isn't it? You're always saying it is and I never really agreed with you, but it really is. I don't know... I don't know..." I sighed, looking away and feeling my face go slack as it often did when I found a subject especially displeasing. I did not want to give up on my rose colored days of the past just yet. But, Ritsu was forcing me too.

"I know... I'm sorry, Ritsuka," Ritsu apologized. I think that was the first time that I ever heard him apologize for our situation.

Feeling somewhat touched, I reached out and rested my hand on my lover's back. Really, he was in pain, as well, was he not? While he was nearly as emotionless as a fish with his moods and his passive aggressive assertion of his authority, I was emotionally detached, stubborn, distant, and just generally unpleasant most of the time.

Thinking of that, I also said, "I'm sorry, too. Do you think ... we can fix this?" I asked hopefully. Perhaps we could still salvage this peaceful feeling.

Ritsu smiled large and wild, that touch of sorrow in his eyes that he swore was not there. "Of course, my dearest," he responded.


	4. FalseSpeaking Tongue

**False Speaking Tongues**

_'When my love swears that she is made of truth,  
I do believe her though I know she lies,  
That she might think me some untutored youth,  
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties.  
Thus vainly thinking that she think me young,  
Although she knows my days are past the best,  
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue;  
On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed.  
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?  
And wherefore say not I that I am old?  
O, love's best habit is in seeming trust,  
And age in love loves not to have years told,  
Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,  
And in our faults by lies we flattered be.'_

- Sonnet #138  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 15 -

Rough hands and soft lips. Quick wit and slow reactions. Warm bed and cold voice. Hurtful nips and kind words. My lover is full of mean contradictions. With him, it is very hard to tell fact from fiction. He loves to lament of love and the beauty of love, and then turn around and look at other's love with spite and conceit. To tell the truth, I tire of it.

Though, I too am full of contradictions. I tell him I hate him, and then fall demurely into his arms the next moment. I am reputed for saying one thing and doing the opposite and I do not make much of an effort to change it, though I do recognize the confusion it causes.

He must hate my contradictions as much as I hates his. But, we never speak of them. In his bed, his hands caress the old scars on my shoulder with feathery touches and I kiss him with lips that had cursed him with every word under the sun. When we are outside of his bed, or just outside of our love, his eyes are cold without feeling and my mouth is hot with insults. Within our love, his looks are soft and my words are the like. I can not explain it, other than we fall in and out of love many times throughout the day. Perhaps, that is the meaning of our name, 'Loveless'.

We never speak of this problem and we never apologize. But, the regret is there. It is in a small wildflower in a paper cup or a shared piece of candy, or just the holding open of a door. Our love is tumultuous, if you can call it love at all. We are full of lies, both to ourselves and to each other. Still, we stand side by side in front of others and force happiness. I really do not under stand the dance he leads me in. I have never played this game, though I find, and am told, that I am a natural at it.

At that time, I lie in bed with him and felt his hands on my body while smelling Momoko's perfume on his body, mixed with his musk.

"You smell good," I whispered. I was barely able to push it through my lips, but he interpreted this as lust in my voice and not apprehension.

"New cologne. You like it?" he asked me, smiling. He smiled as he lied to me.

_When my love swears that she is made of truth,  
I do believe her though I know she lies,_

"Yeah. Where'd you get it? I might want some, too," I spoke clearly. I was challenging him, though he also purposefully did not bite.

"Oh, I'm not really sure. I think I might have gotten it from a magazine Momoko brings in. You'd have to ask her," he smiled again, trying to re-engage me in our activities. His hands ran up and down again, with unmasked hurriedness. But, I could not allow this to fester in my mind any longer. For almost three months now, he had come home smelling of a woman.

_That she might think me some untutored youth,  
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties._

"Why were you reading one of Momoko's magazine's?" I asked again, quietly. He could not avoid this. Not with his warm hands. Not with his nonchalant words. Not even with the hot sugared lips that he pressed against mine in a desperate attempt to end the conversation. I absolutely refused to bite. Or, rather, I absolutely would bite, bite down on those deceiving, lying lips.

"Fuck!" he yelled, pulling back. "What was that for, Love?" he sneered. "It's none of your business, what concerns us adults."

_Thus vainly thinking that she think me young,  
Although she knows my days are past the best,_

"I must say," he said, the anger slipping from his voice, in turn for a hurt whisper. "You are more suspicious than any I have seen in some time. Though, I'm sure there are things you do wrong. Where were you last weekend?" he asked, scowling down at me openly, as he sat upon my chest, sucking on his bleeding lip.

'Last weekend,' I thought to myself, searching my memories. Last weekend, Rei had asked me out on the town. I had made friends with him over the past few weeks, often meeting him at the library since he was a volunteer there. He had taken me to a movie then out to eat. Though the glances he gave me betrayed his obvious interest, he had been a total gentleman. So had I, been completely loyal to Ritsu. Still, to be honest, if I was completely faithful to him, then I would not have taken the offer at all. The fact was that I had been depressed about my fighter's infidelity and long starved for conversation with someone my age.

"Listen, it doesn't matter," Ritsu sighed in response to my abashed silence. He leaned down for a cautious kiss, finding no response (neither violent, nor loving) he pulled back again, almost as if I had bitten him again.

"Ritsuka, you're beautiful..." he said, caressing the scar that marred my 'beautiful' body that had cut a large chunk from my shoulder and continued to run along the top of my collarbone. When you first come to Angora and begin 'fighting', they assure you that none of your adversaries will harm you. The second thing you learn is that this is a lie. I had despaired for months after the injury, but Ritsu had simply began the trite assurances of my beauty. As far as I was concerned, I was not attractive. At least, not to normal people. Not anymore. Not with my disfigured body and mind.

_Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue;  
On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed._

Sighing when he got no response to that one, he said, "Ritsuka, I love you."

A lie. I swear it was a lie. That smile on his face, but not in his eyes betrayed everything, but Ritsu did not know that. As if I didn't understand the meaning of the word Loveless that he held so close to his frozen heart. I kept thinking of how he did not love me. If he had loved me, he would not have felt the need to sleep with her. Perhaps, if I would have found the strength to pull my mind away from such a depressing thought, things would not have ended the way it did.

"I hate you," I spat, glaring at him. 'That is right,' I thought to myself. 'Yell at me. Reprimand me. Be a big, strong, admonishing adult, just how you like to make yourself out to be.'

"What's wrong with you!" he screamed, wrenching my head back by his hold on my hair. I grunted and he glared down at me with a twisted frown. "You're nothing but an Ice Wench, do you know that? I say 'I love you' and you reply that you hate me!"

He swept out of the room, looking almost comical, completely nude and outrageously thin, like he was. I sat up and listened while Ritsu banged around in the next room. I realized, like I often did, after the fact that the fight was a stupid one. We really didn't have a normal relationship. I wasn't even sixteen yet. I had already hit puberty, long ago, but I still didn't have the interest in sex that I might garner in a few years. Though Ritsu was always enthusiastic about being with me, I had to work to match his energy. He was unsatisfied. So, he looked for something easy.

His promises had always been that he loved me, I was beautiful, and that he trusted me. I believed all that was true. You could feel all those things and still be sexually unsatisfied. I just liked to fight. I still liked to be the unwilling victim in our two man dance. It was immature of me, after two years with him. But, just as he had never promised to be monogamous, when did I ever promise to be mature?

_But wherefore says she not she is unjust?  
And wherefore say not I that I am old?_

Suddenly, the rummaging sounds in the next room died down and I could hear Ritsu's padding feet coming towards the bedroom door. He pulled open the door he had just slammed and stood there in just a pair of black jeans. I could only see his silhouette from inside the darkened room, but I could still tell he was sullen.

"Now, it's not even just him, you're waiting for? It's anybody?" he asked dejectedly.

For a long moment, I could not fathom about whom he was speaking. Then, suddenly, it clicked in my head. It was bothering Ritsu a lot more than I had thought, that I had gone out with Rei. But, like the adult he so prided himself in being, he had not given a single hint at his unhappiness with what I had done.

He had always known that Soubi was my one, even before him. I believe he had long ago resigned himself to that, just as I had resigned myself to the fact that there had been another 'Loveless' sacrifice before me. But, now he was worried that our relationship, or, perhaps, just he, was too unbearable and I was looking for anyone to take me away from him (like the other 'Loveless'?)

I felt ashamed. I had been trying to hurt him in a shallow superficial way. Not in a complicated gouging way, as I had.

My hand moved distractedly over my eyes. "No. No, that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to get back at you. I was being immature. I'm sorry. I need to get over this," I muttered distractedly.

Ritsu's silhouette waved back and forth in the doorway, indecisive. Finally, he moved forward and sat on the edge of the bed, facing me. He pulled my hand down from my face and clutched it in both of his.

"I sometimes forget how young you are," he said in an equal tone. I almost snorted. He constantly reminded me to act more adult. But, I suppose I knew too, that it was beginning to become just a saying for him towards me. "I was acting too carelessly with your feelings. I have a place in apologizing, too," he finished.

_O, love's best habit is in seeming trust,  
And age in love loves not to have years told,_

Ritsu leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss against my lips and I leaned into it, just a little bit, my own little contribution to forgiveness. Comfortable with my signal, Ritsu's leggy body crawled over mine and into his spot on the other side of the bed. I laid down as I felt him depress the mattress in its usual spot, curling up against his side and allowing him to drape an arm across my shoulder.

"Ritsuka, I love you," he murmured.

"...I know," I whispered back.

_Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,  
And in our faults by lies we flattered be._


	5. My Soul's Imaginary Sight

**My Soul's Imaginary Sight**

_'Weary with toil, I haste me to bed,  
The dear repose for limbs with traveling tired,  
But then begins a journey in my head  
To work my mind when body's work's expired;  
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide,  
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,  
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,  
Looking on darkness which the blind do see;  
Save that my soul's imaginary sight  
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,  
Which like a jewel hung in ghastly night,  
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new.  
Lo, thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind.  
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.'_

- Sonnet #26  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

A soft shimmering sheen of rain fell out of the sky, catching the light of the sun and refracting it back to my eyes in rays of shattered light, appearing to my weary mind a rainbow wrapped in gray drear.

My professor's voice was still droning on, endlessly, but I was only barely there. We were covering Shakespeare again, which I had already completely devoured, inside and out. Confident as I was, in my knowledge of the subject matter, I felt it was alright for me to drift off.

I had skimmed over the sonnets yet again, the night before. This, coupled with the soft spring atmosphere reminded me of him. It was three years ago, around this time of year, that I last saw him, climbing out of my bed room window to return to the strange world to which he belonged. Sometimes, I was able to forget about him for weeks on end. But, other times, times like then, with the shining wet light outside and the lyrical words of love droning inside, it seemed nearly impossible.

- Loveless : Ritsu : 41 -

The house is extremely lonely without Ritsuka. When he is home, a strong, pervasive calm infects the whole house. Unlike other young men his age, he feels no need to go out. Nor, to entertain himself with a fervor when in. He seems like he's in a constant state of preponderance, especially these last few weeks.

You see, currently, Ritsuka has been taking some challenging college level classes at the small, private college at the bottom of the hill. He had long ago proved himself sufficient for graduation from high school. I had meant to prove to him he was not as smart as he insisted and allowed him to take equivalency exams for all of the top level courses that seniors took. Unfortunately, he passed all of them and promptly began coming to school only when he felt the mood over take him. As an educator, I didn't like the idea of him sitting at home and letting his mind to go to rot (even if it happened to be rotting over Bukowski, at the time). Thus, I encouraged him to take further classes. But, they have only made him more distant. He says that the courses there are simply thought provoking and he enjoys them, but I worry. I dislike seeing him become so detached. I'd rather not see him become like myself.

Though I sometimes got down like that, the fact that he had proved to be so intelligent inspired me to dream. "Professor Aoyagi," I muttered beneath my breath. Yes, that sounded wonderful. Besides, perhaps all he needed was such a great status added to the beginning of his name and my students would stop falling all over him. I understand that he is kind and extremely sympathetic to the young Warcraft's plight, but that is no reason for them to try becoming overly friendly with him. He does belong to someone, after all. Not to mention that he is a sacrifice, not to be mingled with Warcrafts all day long.

Slowly rising from my place in front of the laptop, I went to the mantle to examine the three pictures of Ritsuka and myself together. There were two more that was just of each of us separately. Picking up the first one, I saw a formal and uncomfortable Ritsuka, one I did not know very well. It was the picture taken right after we met by my younger sister. She had insisted on it and it was the very first picture with the two of us together, so I had always held onto it. The second one was also not taken very happily. It was some ways into the relationship, about a year ago, after I was done with the secretary and Ritsuka gave my student a little space. There was a storming sky coming in the background, but he was smiling gently, as if to mock the angry clouds behind him. It was a sad smile. I did not like the picture, but I kept it around. As a reminder. Of mistakes made. Finally, there was the third one, my favorite one. We had taken it at Tokyo over the summer, a month ago. Ritsuka was smiling happily, a huge wide smile plastered across his face. I was standing beside him with my arm around his shoulder, an equally uncommon smile on my face. Behind us was Hachiko the dog. For a moment, I entertained taking out the other photos I had of the trip, but decided against it.

After all, Ritsuka would be home soon.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

_Weary with toil, I haste me to bed,  
The dear repose for limbs with traveling tired,_

I hated climbing that stupid mountain. If I never had to walk again, I would have been fine. Being struck with paraplegia right then would have been a godsend, I swear it.

As I dragged myself through the front door and took off the outer layer of my rain drenched clothing, I heard Ritsu calling my name from the study.

"Yeah?" I called back, to lazy to actually form a sentence.

He came into the hall, leaning himself against the door frame, and looking me up and down. "You look horrible," he said, nonchalantly.

"Yeah thanks. 'Cause, that's just how I feel..." I grunted out, not feeling like getting into an argument, but also not wanting to put any effort into a retort.

"Come here, let me get you cleaned up," he offered, softening his tone significantly. It made me think again of how much change had happened after both of our supposed affairs and the end to the more violent parts of the relationship. Ritsu did not aggravate me so much after that. I realized, over time, that he was trying to keep me near him. I had not wanted to leave him. However, I do not think he will believe me, no matter how many times I tell him so.

"Are you hungry? I can make you something. I know how tiring lectures can be," he offered. I refused again. I had eaten a little bit between classes, anyway. Not to mention I hadn't had a very big appetite lately.

"That's all right. I'm just tired," I replied.

"I'll help you up to bed, then," he decided, closing the the kitchen door with a kind of finality that suggested that it was not up for my discretion.

With that strength that always surprised me, Ritsu picked me up and carried me up the stairs. His warmth was so kind and inviting that I started to fall asleep while in his arms. He put me on the bed and changed my clothes. He kissed my forehead and turned off the light. I did not last long enough to hear him close the door.

_But then begins a journey in my head  
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide,  
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,_

- Beloved : Soubi : 25 -

It was raining outside and I wished that Ritsuka was with me. It had been raining since the middle of the day and I wished that Ritsuka was there. It started out as nothing more than a mist, but steadily built to a full on downpour and, yes, I wished with all of my being that Ritsuka was beside me.

My paintings had been selling like mad, since Ritsuka was taken from me. Ironically, I'm a much better artist when I'm full of a black despair. The critics were all raving about my characteristic butterflies. I wondered what Ritsuka would say about it. I would have bet anything that they would have gone mad with frustration and elation if they found out that I have a whole room of Violets for Ritsuka. I would never sell the paintings meant for Ritsuka.

Where was Ritsuka? Had he found his Fighter, yet? Was he happy? Was he sad? Is he hurt? Most of all, did he miss me? I thought my life had ended when Seimei left. That was a lie. Though my life had been going on since Ritsuka left, I was not in it. It was no longer my life that I was living. It could not be. I was not living at all. Both of the Aoyagi boys were gone from my life and I found that when both of them left, they tore out the part of my soul I had given to them and took it with them. I do not know if I can forgive them. I would not know that I would ever give either of them the chance to do it again...

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

- Caught In A Dream -

_Looking on darkness which the blind do see;  
Save that my soul's imaginary sight  
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,  
Which like a jewel hung in ghastly night,  
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new._

I am running, but not going anywhere. I see the door to freedom from the pain. The pain that the Something that is chasing me promises, but I can not reach it. My legs hurt. My lungs burn. I feel dizzy. I am not going to make it. It is going to catch me. It will not let me escape. Mom!

It has got me.

-...-

-Ouch. My head hurts. Did She hit me in the head? I think She did. Otherwise, all that red stuff wouldn't be on the floor. Maybe, I'm going to die. I didn't think that death would feel so peaceful. What? I'm not allowed to die? That's mean! You can't do that! How can I possibly live after... -

It has got me. I can not get away! It is going to steal me away and I will not be able to see Him anymore!

-Which Him?-

Either of them! It is going to take me away so I will not be able to see either of the Hims. I do not know if I can take that... I can not do it. It can not make me! Huh?

.-.

There is a huge blue butterfly in the sky and it makes me think of the first Him. Meanwhile, It is gone, along with That Boy. It scares me terribly when That Boy comes forth. It just means that I have far less time left than before.

Forgetting my terror of a few moments ago, I chase after the butterfly with reckless abandon. I can feel myself running faster and faster, so that if I fell, I would surely break my legs. Still, I am perfectly set on catching that butterfly, to hold it in my hands for a single beautiful moment, before I let it go free again. I want that butterfly to be free. I only want to be able to brush up against it. That will be enough. That will never be enough.

It has landed now. The butterfly is sitting perilously on the petal of a dark purple violet. If I moved now, I could get it my grasp and never let it go. But, I do not. I hunker down and I just watch as the butterfly examines the flower with it's feelers. I wondered how long it will stay with the flower. Probably not very long. Somehow, that makes me very sad.

Someone sat down beside me, but I did not look up from the butterfly to see who it was.

"Are you going to catch it?" the man asked, and I could hear him smiling.

"No. I just want to watch."

"How come?"

"Well, it's so pretty. It deserves to be free."

"Does being pretty make you free or does it doom you to just the opposite?"

"You're weird. I just don't want to hurt it, because I like it. Is that so confusing?"

"I see. I like you too, Ritsuka."

"Huh?"

Soubi. Blue Butterfly. Soubi. Soubi is sitting beside me, smiling that smile that always suggested that he was just on the verge of bursting into laughter, though I had never seen him actually 'burst' into anything. I could not think or talk. I wanted to hold him and I wanted to run away. Instead, I just said, "Thank you."

I gasped and jolted upright.

"Soubi?" I spoke to the empty darkness of the bedroom. It was still early in the evening and Ritsu had not come to bed, yet. Still working, probably.

I sighed heavily. That had been the first time I had had such a dream like that in a long time. Who had I met in that dream? Someone scary and someone who was scary for another reason... Still, I could not think of who they were. The names did not come. I did remember one person, though. Soubi. Soubi was there and he was a butterfly. Or, was I a flower? I did not know. It was such a weird dream, but it really felt like Soubi was there with me.

"Soubi? Where are you?" I whispered into my hands

'I can't go on like this,' I thought gravely.

_Lo, thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind.  
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find._

- Beloved : Soubi : 25 -  
- Waking In A Dream-

I gasped and jolted upright.

"Ritsuka?" I asked the impenetrable darkness. I had seen him. My beautiful Ritsuka covered in deep scars and without ears and tail. My poor Ritsuka torn apart by a cruel world that I could not protect him from. I had seen him closely examining a butterfly sitting precariously on the petal of a deep indigo violet. I had spoken to him and confessed to him just one more time. He had thanked me. Dear God, he had thanked me for saying that I liked him. My Ritsuka?

"Ritsuka? Please, where are you?" I spoke to the darkness.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

'I can't go on like this,' I thought. 'I have to talk to Soubi, somehow. Get some closure. Otherwise, I'm going to loose it!'

But, to do such I thing, I would have to get in touch with Soubi. Thankfully, I had pretty solid idea of where to find such information on Soubi.

I stole myself silently out of the bedroom. First, I checked to make sure that Ritsu was still working busily in his study. Better yet, he was asleep on the couch. He probably hadn't wanted to wake me up by crawling over me to get into bed. Feeling a little guilty, I had covered him up with the blanket from the back of the couch and went on my way towards Ritsu's study.

That is where I stood, frozen by a deeper guilt, transfixed as I stared at the five pictures standing on the mantelpiece. Beside the one in the middle (the one Ritsu had put up a month ago), there were three new photos in shiny new frames, all of our trip to Tokyo. All of them with the two of us together. All of them with the two or us (or, the one with just me) smiling happily and pointing at some landmark or another.

Pulling myself together, I moved slowly towards the laptop laying closed on the side table beside the one end of the dark leather couch. Taking a seat and pulling the computer onto my lap, I began the search for His address. After but a few minutes of searching, I found it. Right there in Ritsu's address book was Soubi-kun's address. It was there as innocently as my own or his sisters. How did I know that he would have it right there where he could look it up whenever he felt the need? I suppose I am just magical like that.

I ran quickly to the kitchen and came back with a pad of paper and a pencil. However, I stopped just before I wrote down the address, remembering a detective show where the policeman had found his killer by the indents left on the piece of paper beneath. Ritsu would be just so intelligent to pull a move just like that. Half scolding myself for being paranoid, I pulled the top piece off and and use the hard plastic beside the mouse pad as a writing surface. Quickly pocketing the little yellow paper, I deleted the computer's immediate history and quietly stole back to the bedroom. I had to pack my things.


	6. Farewell

**Farewell**

_'Farewell, thou are too dear for my possessing,  
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.  
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;  
My bonds in thee are all determinate.  
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,  
And for that riches where is my deserving?  
The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,  
And so my patent back again is swerving.  
Thyself thou gav'st, thy own worth then not knowing,  
Or me, to whom thou gav'st it, else mistaking;  
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,  
Comes home again, on better judgment making.  
Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter,  
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.'_

- Sonnet #87  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Beloved : Soubi : 25 -

It was the day of the show, but I couldn't get myself excited. The dream of the night before replayed in my head as if on automatic rerun. It was maddening, but I made no attempt to stop it.

Hoping to get myself out of this religious stupor I seemed to have fallen into, I stood before my painting and knew who it was for. A huge butterfly in mid-flight, large fragile wings painted a deep violet with black accents and outlining. Even the small transparent veins of the insects wings were present. It was a masterpiece. Or, so I was told. I only wanted Ritsuka to see it. I wondered what he would think of it. I always deeply hoped that he might see my name outside the gallery and wander in on a whim. That's why all of my showings were always public. Anyone could come. Everyone was welcome. Even high school students like my Ritsuka.

"It's so pretty, Sou-chan!" a voice to my right exclaimed. Moving slowly, I turned to face Kio. He was standing, ever confident, staring straight at the painting, his quick eyes taking in every detail. Once again, was the also ever present lollipop. I wondered idly what flavor it was today and entertained the idea of snatching it and tasting the mystery flavor along with a tint of Kio to spice it up. However, it was quickly dismissed. I didn't want to lead him on if I never intended to do anything with him.

"I'm sure everyone will love it!" he said, finally turning to me, done with taking in my "masterpiece". "Don't you think, Sou-chan?" he asked, tilting his head to the side and smiling gently.

"I would hope so," I responded quietly. Truthfully, I didn't really care about what the critics or my fans thought. It was something I painted for me. I had just decided to share it with all of them.

"Agatsuma-san! You're on in five minutes!" I heard the stage manager announce from behind some large and heavy curtain.

"Right," I murmured. I would not expect him to be there. It would be too much to bear, then, when his face waabsent in the crowd. I would not look for that pale and desperate face. I will not look about for a long out-of-place tail. I simply would not watch for him. Then, I would not be disappointed when I do not find him.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

It was so crowded! People were everywhere and they just kept pushing and pushing 'til I didn't even know where I had come in from anymore. Pushing and shoving just a little, myself, I was able to find my way near the front of the stage and stay there. Once I was able to see the stage, I proceeded to become the iron pole that only leans in the direction it wishes to go.

While waiting, I began to think about slapping the man behind me who kept pushing me obnoxiously, as if I would move if he only annoyed me enough, or pulling the hair of the conceited woman beside me that stepped on my feet every time she moved her stilettoed feet. Thankfully, however, the lights dimmed and an unseen announcer called Soubi to the stage. He stepped out with boundless confidence. However, he always seemed confident. It was a rare occurrence to see him falter. His hair was longer and he no longer left it free, but had it tied somewhere among his shoulder blades. It was very fetching. But... But, he looked tired. He looked older than he was. I mean, he must only be in his mid to late twenties, yet he gave off the air of a man who had seen and experienced so much that he was now sick of life. It made me sad. I hoped my sudden disappearance from his life was not to blame for him changing so much.

As he stepped up to the podium to talk and one of the stage crew men set an easel with a covered painting beside him, I could see Soubi draw himself up for what seemed like an important speech. He picked a spot on the opposite wall and began in on the task of acknowledging all those involved in the creation of his painting and in the party in which the piece was being displayed. After this was taken care of and the crowd was mad with buzzing about the important and notable names mentioned, Soubi stepped down from the podium to take up a spot beside the painting and took the dark cloth in his hand with authority.

"May I please present to you," he boomed out over the crowd, with much more zeal than he had spoken before, " 'Farewell' !"

With that he jerked his hand away, taking the dark red cloth with it. Underneath stood a beautiful painting of a butterfly. It was intricate and tasteful and so, so, so... Soubi. This was definitely Soubi. I wondered if the people in the crowd realized this, but I figured they probably didn't. Applause broke out over the entire congregation of people after only a short pause of intake and digestion of the work.

Soubi then scanned the crowd, almost idly, examining the expression on each individual as his eyes moved from one side of the gallery to the other. Then, his eyes reached me. And, they froze. His expression changed. He was no longer strong and confident, but startled almost scared, it looked. He stayed frozen with the cloth still in his half raised hand and I began to worry that the ecstatic crowd might notice. He had to move. He had to do something. Some of the people next to me were already falling into a confused and secretive murmuring over his strange change of disposition.

He must have been taken aback to see me. He was probably dealing with anger, resentment, happiness, any number of strange emotions. There wasn't much I could do to remedy the situation. Although, I thought that, perhaps, if I moved out and let him have some air without me in it, he might get over it and start moving again, and stop standing there with his mouth open, catching flies.

Making my decision, I started to move away towards the back of the auditorium and towards the exit. I didn't see his face change when I started to move away. I was focused on not looking back and not turning around. I didn't see him jump down from the stage and begin to shove people out of the way. As I walked out of the entrance way with my head down, I heard the yells and the amazed rumblings, but I didn't recognize them for what they were. I was just about to make my escape down a shadowed alleyway when a hand grasped my upper arm and turned me around.

At first, I was pissed. I thought it was someone going to hit me up for money or something. It wouldn't have been the first time that happened since I came to Tokyo. However, it was not the face of a mugger or a pervert that I looked into when I turned to glare at my attacker, but Soubi's. His face was that of happy disbelief and after a moment I squeaked out his name, as if to check if it was really him.

As soon as his name passed my lips, he caught me in a rib-breaking hug. Strange thing was, even if he did break my ribs (which he didn't) I wouldn't have cared. I was finding all those things I loved about him all over again. There was that familiar soft cologne mixed with the smell of paint and canvas. Under that was the smell of his fruity shampoo and that other elemental smell that was just Soubi. I felt his long locks of loose light brown hair brush my face and noted how exceptionally soft it was. Almost as soft as his cheek against my neck, though never quite as sweet. Most of all, I remembered and fell in love with how he held me, leaned over so he could be on the same level, yet pressing me against him with his arms around my lower back and across my shoulder blades.

Being caught up in all of this, I didn't notice him picking me up or carrying me away. He started kissing my neck and I just gasped and clung to him closer. His hand on my lower back sneaked under my t-shirt and kneaded the flesh there, sending shivers up my spine. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the rational part of my brain was complaining about the relationship I had worked so hard on with Ritsu and the fact that I was being ravished in public on a city street, but it didn't really matter. Not now. Not with Soubi's lips on my neck and his hand pulling on the top of my pants. My body was resonating with his and not much other than that mattered. I was with Soubi. This truly felt right.

- Beloved : Soubi : 25 -

I had found him. I had spent so long convincing myself I wouldn't see him again. That he wouldn't be there; he never was. But, all the same, there he had been, those same sad and desperate eyes staring up at me from the crowd. He had tried to escape, but I had caught him. I knew now that I would never let him go.

I had fantasized a million times of taking a fully grown Ritsuka back to my flat in Ginza-ku and showing him the amazing sight of Tokyo's lights. I had imagined him wedged up beside me with some nice aromatic drink in his hands. I had even pictured us in the big King-sized bed with nothing but the electric lights of the city to light our activities. However, I had never imagined us in a Roppongi love hotel.

Still, I wasn't thinking of anything except finding a place for us to be alone and right there it was, the lights glaring at us from across and down the street. I hadn't even let Ritsuka go when I got the room from the mechanized clerk. I couldn't. If I put him down... What if he ran, what if his lips left my neck long enough to tell me he had a fighter, what if, what if, what if...

I don't remember what I thought about after that, because after that we were in the room and Ritsuka was on the water bed, pulling at my shirt and attacking my mouth with unknown vigor. His hands searched and his lips sucked and his tongue licked and he seemed full of unending energy. Though his knowledge and ease in these activities disturbed me, it wasn't as if I could un-see his absence of ears and tail or ignore the fact that his life and adolescence must have gone on without me, just as my career moved on without him. It would have been unfair of me to be deterred by this. So I, in response, easily matched his enthusiasm with my own forceful movements.

When Ritsuka pulled my hair free, I lifted his loose shirt over his head and threw it in the general direction of the bedside table. As soon as Ritsuka succeeded in pulling my shirt off of me, I attached my mouth firmly to his chest. I felt Ritsuka trying to take off my pants and I immediately attacked his, jumping down between his legs and stimulating him with rough rubbing first. His back immediately arched and I heard him whisper my name again. It was like a glass full of water after 10,000 years in the desert.

"Say it again," I murmured against his stomach. "Please, Ritsuka."

Ritsuka's thin fingers threaded through my hair and he said my name again; louder and more distinct, his soft voice making it lilt and sound like nothing I'd ever heard before. With this, I attacked him again, tearing off his pants and kissing and licking him until he was pleading with my name. Begging for release as if my name was the only word he knew. And, I loved it.

Coming up to lean over him and look deep into his eyes and revel in the soft glazed-over light I saw there, the soft tint of pink in his cheeks. Kiss the soft lips that were still slightly swollen from all the kisses from before. While tasting Ritsuka again, I brought my pelvis down to meet his and grind, feeling the small squeaks and moans from their beginnings in his throat. I kept moving, kept kissing, until I felt him tense beneath me and then abruptly let go.

Pulling back, I looked into the exhausted eyes of my little lover. I didn't know where he had come from or where he had been hiding. Nor did I know the hardships he went through to escape Septimal Moon's decision, but I imagined it was quite a bit. Feeling remorse for exhausting him so entirely, I covered him with the red satin sheets and pulled him next to me. Tomorrow would be a day of explanations to look forward too.

- Narrator : 7:03 am : Roppongi-ku -

Sun streaked in through the venetian blinds and onto the sleeping form on the red satin water bed. A young man, his sleeping face angelic in appearance, his long flowing hair shining gold in the morning rays. Nothing stirred except for the slight air of unease. Only one figure lay on the bed. Only one set of clothing in the room; folded neatly on the chair by the door. A small piece of folded paper on the bedside table.

Finally, as one particularly bright ray fell on the blond man's face, he stirred and came to waking, not noticing what was wrong in the room at first. However, when he began to stretch and blindly reach for his little lover, his eyes shot open in alarm and absorbed the scene before him. No Ritsuka. No remnant of him anywhere. His clothes were gone, presumably on the pale body that had walked out of the room and all that was left was a note.

With trembling fingers, Soubi reached forward and brought the note to himself, unfolding it slowly until the poem within was exposed. His eyes alighted to the words immediately, hoping that they would give him an inkling to where Ritsuka may have gone, but they did no such thing. Ritsuka's crisp and precise handwriting belay a song of sad, boundless, and hopeless love.

_"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.  
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,  
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.  
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."_

Beneath his breath, Soubi quietly read off the poem. His hands were shaking. As kind as this poem was, it did not disclose the location of his lover. Lost again.


	7. Fair, Kind, and True

**Fair, Kind, and True**

_'Let not my love be called idolatry,  
Nor my beloved as an idol show,  
Since all alike my songs and praises be  
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.  
Kind is my love today, tomorrow kind,  
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;  
Therefore my verse, to constancy confined,  
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.  
Fair, kind, and true is all my argument,  
Fair, kind, and true, varying to other words;  
And in this change is my invention spent.  
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.  
Fair, kind, and true have often lived alone,  
Which three till now never kept seat in one.'_

- Sonnet #105  
By Sir William Shakespeare.

- Loveless : Ritsu : 41 -

_Let not my love be called idolatry,  
Nor my beloved as an idol show,_

Nowhere. Ritsuka was nowhere. He wasn't in bed, he wasn't in the house, he wasn't in the school, he wasn't with any of the the students or other children. No one knew where he was. Under threat of expulsion, whipping, and serious bodily injury, all had only said that they hadn't seen him since he came back from school the day before last. He had disappeared. It was if he had disintegrated into the air and was blown away on the wind.

I was frantic and had no idea what to do. So, I went to the other members of Septimal Moon. 'Where is Ritsuka?' and 'Do you have any connections, any way to find him?' or simply 'Help me find Ritsuka!' None of them were able to help. All of the members had no idea that Ritsuka was even gone, not being very interested in the gossip that had been flying around. Few had any means of helping. None had panned out in the end.

Of course, everyone knew that I had been cold to Ritsuka in the past and would still supply a fair dosage of my signature cynicism towards the boy to this day. They knew that Ritsuka had a mean streak, but was still fragile and easily hurt by my actions. Therefore, it was no surprise that they deduced that Ritsuka had run away from the abusive Warcraft. 'Off to America!' they said, 'With the help of the Grand Counsel, too.'

I was stranded without love. And, only my own cruelty was to blame. Or, perhaps, my inability to measure up to his first, only...

- Beloved : Soubi : 25 -

I was standing transfixed by the bedside table, completely nude and completely stunned. The room felt so empty and plastic and fake, suddenly. 'Where was Ritsuka?' my mind kept screaming at the red silk sheets that still held Ritsuka's warmth and the huge ceiling mirror that had witnessed our acts of love not seven hours ago.

Folding the note slowly, I realized I had to look for him. I had to look for Ritsuka now, before he was lost to me forever. I had thought that Ritsuka had been lost to me before, but if he left my reach after that, he would truly truly be gone.

Suddenly jerking into high activity, I yanked on my pants from the top of the pile on the chair and shot out the door. I sprinted down the hall and past the elevator to the steps. Without a single break, I quite nearly melted down the steps, bursting out of the double doors into the lobby. Without a backwards glance to the startled customers there (a very old man and a too-young schoolgirl) I ran straight for the small door onto the street. Someone opened the door just moments before I was going to open it myself and before I even got a chance to slow down, I smashed into the little body before me, throwing the boy and myself forward into the street.

For a moment, I was stunned. What an idiotic thing to do, go barreling out of the hotel with nothing but a pair of undone pants on and start asking everyone on the street if they had seen a young boy with black hair. Dear, I felt that I was starting to loose control again, just like the first time Ritsuka had disappeared.

_Kind is my love today, tomorrow kind,  
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;_

Slowly, I began to push myself off of the young man beneath me. Looking down to see who would come to a love hotel alone so early in the morning, I saw beneath me none but Ritsuka himself. He looked up at me with confused and terrified eyes. Immediately, I gathered him up in my arms, noticing the bag of food in his arms for the first time, and carried him back into the love hotel and away from prying eyes. He was babbling away about 'what in the world I was doing half naked' and 'why was I running like that' and 'did we still have hours left in the room'. Leaning my head on his head, I carried him into the elevator then finally sitting him back down on his feet. Looking down at that little face, I could see an indescribable weariness and it terrified me.

"Ritsuka..." I murmured, letting the back of my hand brush his cheek. His expression became tinged with sadness.

However, we were at our floor, and the smell of pancakes, eggs, and sausage had permeated the air of the small compartment.

Taking my small lover's hand, I lead him silently down the narrow corridor to our room, who's door was still ajar and my clothes now lay on the ground where they had been thrown in the rush to find Ritsuka. I felt a little sting of pain at the mess, knowing that Ritsuka had folded those clothes and it had been me that had destroyed his hard work without barely an acknowledgment. Walking ahead of Ritsuka, I reached down to fold the clothes again, but Ritsuka took the clothes from me and folded them quickly and deftly.

I watched those little hands work and knew they had gone through these motions many times before... For someone else. As this thought came through to me, I took the clothes from him and caught him in a quick and fiery kiss. It took some time for me to break away from him, staring deeply into the same sad, despairing, and desperate eyes that I had seen the first time I had met him by the school gates. Why was he like this now? What had changed him so in that small space between last night and this morning?

Leading Ritsuka to the bed, I sat him down without breaking eye contact and asked him quietly, gently, "What happened?"

"Um, it's nothing. I guess, it's just starting to hit me, now," he said. He seemed sheepish, but that also seemed affected. He must not have been aware that he looked so sad until just a moment ago.

"How do you mean?" I asked him, though I could guess. He had left people behind. People he had known for three years, in the place where Septimal Moon had hidden him. His friends, his teachers. His true Warcraft, too, probably.

"I left him behind for this," I winced. "Not to mean that I'm not happy!" he said, hastily. He had noticed. "This has been all I've been waiting for. I've been so unhappy, and I didn't even fully realize it until just now. But, now I also have to realize that I did something selfish. I found my happiness, but only in destroying someone else's," Ritsuka muttered.

I looked down at Ritsuka sadly. He really had grown, and it had made him a little more educated, and a little darker and stained for it.

"So, you did find your Warcraft?" I asked slowly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Yeah. Ritsu-sensei," he muttered.

"... Ritsu?"

- Loveless : Ritsu : 41 -

_Fair, kind, and true is all my argument,  
Fair, kind, and true, varying to other words;  
And in this change is my invention spent.  
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords._

I paced my study. Ritsuka had been gone for three days already. He could have been all the way into Hokkaido or down to Osaka by that point. His clothes were gone. His favorite things were gone. His suitcase and bag were gone. He had left. He had left me.

How dare he?

I threw whatever was in my hand and it came slamming down on the floor, shattering against whatever had been there. Shattering against the floor? The floor was carpeted. What I had thrown had been a mug. A mug wouldn't have shattered against a carpeted floor.

I was jarred out of my pacing by the mystery and approached where the mug had broken. There, on the floor, sat my laptop, it's top now laced with a cobweb of cracks. What was my laptop doing on the floor? Unless, Ritsuka had used it before he left? But, why would he use my laptop? I only really used it for clerical work and email...

Email! I kept everyone's email addresses, along with a copy of their phone numbers, in case my cell phone ever broke or came to a bad end. He must have looked up someone's address, so as to make contact with them.

But, I had no one there that he didn't know. No. No, I had someone he would have deeply wanted to know. I had Soubi's address in my computer, still.

My tempter took over me again. I slammed the computer against the desk beside me. If it hadn't been broken before, it was broken now.

I was mad! I must have been mad. I had become accustomed to his touch, to his voice, his comforting presence in my life. I had even begun to forget that he was dreaming of another whenever I was not there. It was foolish. It was foolish of me to forget. There was no erasing Soubi from his mind. He had been etched there long before I had even gotten a chance to begin to love Ritsuka.

I would not be able to eradicate Soubi from Ritsuka's mind. Ah, but a great idea came over me. Perhaps it was not so impossible to eradicate Soubi from Ritsuka's mind.

- Loveless : Ritsuka : 16 -

I thought I had never seen Soubi 'burst' into anything, but at the mention of Ritsu's name, he certainly 'burst' into action. That really seemed to be the best way to describe it. One moment he was frozen still, his mouth hanging open. The next, he was running around the room. He grasped at his clothes, yanking them onto his tall, thin body with a kind of violence. He pulled on his shoes, he shoved his wallet in his pocket and then he turned to me, frantic.

"We have to go, Ritsuka, let's hurry," he said breathlessly.

"What are you talking about?" I asked worriedly.

"What do you mean, what am I talking about?" he asked, coming forward to pick me up by my upper arsm. "You don't think Ritsu is going to let you leave, just like that, do you?" he asked, making me think. "We need to disapear for a little while, until I can figure out what to do," Soubi explained gravely.

I clutched the delicious smelling bag to my chest tightly. I hadn't considered Ritsu's broken heart until just this morning. I hadn't considered the wrath his broken heart might bring until Soubi brought it up. Perhaps Soubi really did know Ritsu better than I did, even after all these years.

I nodded shortly.

"You're right. Let's go."

_Fair, kind, and true have often lived alone,  
Which three till now never kept seat in one._


	8. The Dreame

**Book Two**

**Note: **Okay, so it is at this point where I'm writing the story fresh and not just brutally tearing apart and putting back together the remnants of a story I wrote around the age of fifteen (depressing).

Thus, because I am no longer the biggest pus poring fan of Shakespeare, I'll be switching to John Donne (he's a lot easier to understand/blunt and more fun to read). My excuse will be to call this the second book of 'To Love and Be Loved' because I hate sequels. Don't you? So do I. I'm glad we're agreed.

* * *

**The Dreame.**

_'Deare love, for nothing lesse then thee  
Would I have broke this happy dreame,  
It was a theame  
For reason, much too strong for phantasie,  
Therefore thou wakd'st me wisely; yet  
My Dreame thou brok'st not, but continued'st it,  
Thou art so truth, that thoughts of tee suffice,  
To make dreames truths; and fables histories;  
Enter these armes, for since thou thoughtst it best,  
Not to dreame all my dreame, let's act the rest.'_

-Selection from 'The Dreame'.  
By John Donne.

- Loveless : Aoyagi Ritsuka : 16 -

I knew immediately that I was stuck in another bad dream as soon as I beheld the stench of kerosene. For some reason unknown to myself, the large majority of my nightmares (whether they be of being chased down shadowy halls by Ctulhu or coming to school only to realize I'd forgotten my knickers at home) smell distinctly of kerosene. I'm not even sure if it's normal to smell anything in a dream, as I can't recall ever smelling anything else before. But, more to the point, a nightmare. I was having a nightmare.

It was extremely vivid and I was surprised to find that: 1. I realized I was having a nightmare, yet did not wake up the moment I realized this. 2. There was nothing scary about it, and 3. I was back home. Not home as in Angora, but home as in, the living room of the little building I had called home for the majority of my pre-pubescent life.

I was sitting at the table, while the television set jabbered on about a heat wave about to strike Japan through out the week. I could hear Mother in the kitchen, humming happily to herself and clicking pots and pans together. I would have considered this a happy dream of things that could have been if it weren't for the fact that, instead of smelling eggs and rice cooking in the next room, I smelled the thick clinging smell of kerosene all around me.

Feeling that being lucid in one of my most frequent horrid nightmares was an extremely rare occurrence that should not be passed up, I quickly cast about for what could possibly be the source of all my late night scare-fests. Unfortunately, I quickly found exactly what I was looking for.

Standing directly behind me and looking rather unhappy was a younger version of myself. A much younger version of myself. I figured that the apparition before me was fairly close to what I looked like around the age of ten.

My younger self was standing there, blocking the narrow hallway that lead out of the house and onto the street. He (I?) might as well have stepped out of a B budget horror movie, for how angry and demented he/I looked. He was pale, with a broken lip, a bruised cheek, and was soaking wet with what I could only assume was the source of the kerosene smell. And, of course, he was staring at me as if he wanted to light me aflame right where he sat.

Just as I was about pinch myself (or, punch myself in the nuts, if that's what it took, because I was really creeping me out), Mom floated into the room on a cloud of daisies and placed a plate of food that I had long ago (through the powers of deduction) realized was my (or the creepy-kid-behind-me's) favorite meal. But, anyway. Too many parenthesis.

She smiled and hummed and her eyes turned up and creased when she looked at me, which made my heart melt more than a little. It had been a very long time since I had seen my mentally unstable mother and I had missed her a number of times over the years. Seeing her in my dream, so loving and normal, made me want to ignore the kerosene and stay in the dream forever.

"Eat up, Ritsuka. You've got a big day at school today! Your ¦¦¦¦ is today!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands a little.

"Ah..." I stopped with a chunk of omelet halfway to my mouth. "I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that," I said, uncertainly.

"Your ¦¦¦¦, silly! It's today! Don't tell me you've forgotten. You've only been studying the past two months."

At this point, I couldn't help but turn around to get the reaction of the other me. But, he was standing there, just the same as always, except he might have looked just a little bit more angry. His fists were clenched at his sides and he was trembling with what I could only assume was barely contained hatred.

Finally, he opened his mouth and my eyebrows raised slightly as I began to hope that the Other Me might just go ahead and spit out why it was that everything ... well, was. But, I was sadly disappointed.

"? ? ?"

The same strange interference in my frontal lobes that had stopped my mother's speech flat, stopped the Other Me's words as well, blocking them out completely.

I shook my head and leaned forward. I was worried. Whatever was happening in my own head, it was important, it was big. I was worried.

I reached out to my other self, even as he continued talking, though all his words came out like scratchy white noise. And, suddenly, my hand reached something warm and moving. Wait, not wet?

"Ritsuka?" Soubi asked me.

I blinked.

"Ritsuka, what in the world are you doing?" Soubi chuckled, covering the hand that I had pressed against his cheek with his own.

I shook my head again. Okay, so it was a dream. I knew that. I just didn't quite make the transition from dream to reality very distinctively.

"Sorry, sorry. I was dreaming," I replied, laughing a little myself.

The bus jostled a little as it went over a bump, and I had to remind myself that Soubi and I were still traveling. My head felt like it was still somewhere else.

"A nightmare? You were tossing and turning."

"Mm. It was strange enough to be a nightmare, but I didn't get too scared. You woke me before that. Thank you," I said, leaning in to brush my lips against his cheek. I heard him exhale as I did so and felt my clammy hands go a little warm.

"It was nothing," he muttered, putting his hand on the back of my head and smiling.

I smiled back, but that didn't mean I wasn't still worried. Another strange dream. I was still worried. Something bad was coming.


End file.
